Monday, September 13, 2010

Man's (and Woman's...but not mine right now) Best Friend

Ah.  The perfect dog: You start off your day with a huge kiss and happy tail wagging from the family member that probably adores you best.  Not too much kissing, because you know...slobber. Gross.  He totally knows just one lick and that's it.  Then he happily goes outside, does his business and comes in to eat breakfast.  You leave for work, leaving him out in the house because he's the best dog ever and just lies around waiting for you to come home from working all day.  He probably does your dishes for you too.  You come home, receive kisses at the door (again, just one...'cause you know, slobber. Gross).  And your pooch happily lays at your feet (at a safe distance while you rub him with said feet) until it's time for a walk.  You go on a brisk walk in the beautiful evening air, and come home to relax a little more while poochie gently plays with the kids before bedtime.  Then it's bedtime and we start the whole process over.

My dog is totally like that.  NOT.

(don't be fooled by that innocent face)

My dog is a 100 pound lap dog.  At least, that's what he thinks he is.  He has no sense of personal boundaries, and will sit on you if you happen to be lying on the floor coloring with your daughter.  He's 20 pounds overweight even though we starve him with weight-control food, and take walks (most nights).  He's huge because he counter-serfs.  He doesn't just sniff around up there... when he stands on his hind legs he towers above the counter and pretty much eats anything in sight.  Hubsies said he ate a whole bag of bread today.  It was on top of the bread box (we had an extra loaf in the breadbox), which was on top of the counter, WAY far in the back.  He snatched it while hubs was out of the room for maybe like 2 seconds.  And walks?  Yeah right- HE walks ME.  Plus he licks.  Like, A LOT.  And he pants.  In your face.  And don't even get me started on his farts.

But I can live with most of that.  He's a great dog, and I love him.  I really do. But, I had to take him to the vet for his yearly check up.  We get there early (which is a miracle because I am NEVER early for anything) and he proceeds to freak out and whine for the 20 minutes until his appointment.  Then, we get into the room and the vet comes in.  We talk, he gets weighed and we find out he gained another 10 pounds this past year.  Then my vet proceeds to yell at me for him being overweight (okay, so maybe she didn't yell...actually she wasn't even stern.  She's a very very sweet, soft-spoken lady.  So what she said was "It looks like you might have to start taking Mr Sooner on more walks" in that sweet doggie-voice.  But I just heard, "YOUR DOG IS FAT AND IT'S YOUR FAULT!" with buggy eyes and hair standing on-end). 

So he gets his shots, and we go to pay.  I hook him up to the hooky-upper thing that you can chain your dog too while you pay, and wait for them to get my bill ready.  Sooner is very agitated, but I just assume its because he's at the vet.  And he's been agitated the whole time.  A line starts forming behind me, and I'm getting a little more nervous as he gets more nervous while we wait.  So I'm waiting...and I start to smell poop.  I'm thinking, "Man, someone's dog just took a dump".  So I casually look over at Sooner and


A huge pile of crap is steaming on the floor, next to my dog, slowly permeating every nose in the place, threatening to make everyone spew their lunch all over each other. 


So, breaking into a sweat, I tell the nice lady that my dog just pooped, and Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed, and Oh my god I'm so sorry, and PLEASE JUST LET ME PAY SO I CAN LEAVE!  Okay so that last part wasn't said, but I was screaming it in my head.  FINALLY, finally, I pay and high-tail it out of there, so embarrassed, and I probably can't show my face in there again...although they probably won't recognize me considering my face was probably the color of a tomato. 

SO.  After all that, I still love my dog.  He is so wonderful with Little Monster and literally lets her ride around on him, dress him up, and basically lets her abuse him to no end.  But seriously, he is SO not my best friend right now. 

P.S. I'm not even going to mention the time that he was left outside by accident when we went out for the day, and we came back to find a window screen completely ripped out with the shade shredded to pieces and claw marks up and down the trim.
P.P.S. or the time that he was accidentally left out of his crate inside, and the pantry door was accidentally left open and he had gotten into the trash can and I came home to find trash ALL over the house...and poop all over the back doormat.

Nope.  Not gonna mention those.  Love my dog.


Jessica said...

OMG--seriously rolling on the floor laughing...although I feel your pain..Jersey pooped on the floor in the room at the vets right before the vet walked in...awesome...oh silly doggies..

GreenBeanTeenQueen said...

I love it! I know it's embarassing but it makes for a good story!:) Wrigley gets into the trash and pulls everything out (even gross personal bathroom items-yuck!!) She's so weird. But I love her anyway. We should have a doggie play date-my dog loves to run, so I'm sure she'd give him good exercise!

C.E. said...

bahahaha! Oh this made me laugh...I get mortified for dog people when their dogs poop in public like that. I just know its got to be so embarrasing. My five cats and I are laughing at your silly pup. ^_^

Becky said...

Abby...I could so see you wanting to run and hide! The life of a dog owner...give Sooner a big hug for me AFTER he gets out of time out!

Abby Minard said...

Jess- ha, but Jersey's poop is MUCH smaller than Sooners ;p

Sarah- I totally know what you mean by the personal items- we had to get a trash can with a lid on it for the bathroom for that reason. A doggie play-date sounds awesome- mine is such a scaredy-cat but I think he would warm up.

C.E.- lol, don't get me started on cat people ;p

Becky- ha, it was mortifying.

Susanna Leonard Hill said...

LOVED your story! My dogs haven't pooped in the vets office (yet) but we do get the Fat Dog Lecture pretty much every time we go even though my dogs are NOT fat :)